Waiting in line

When my son Andy was about 4 years old I took him and his younger sister to a water park. I sent him up the steps and out of sight to the top of a small waterslide while I waited at the bottom. After waiting for what I deemed far too long, I began the mental calculations, certain that as soon as I exited the pool to see what was holding him up he’d slide down and find me gone. Finally I sloshed up the stairs to see him just standing there while others kept passing by on their way to the entrance. He wasn’t scared, just waiting perhaps for someone to invite him to step into the line. The part of me that was feeling impatient and worried wanted to say, “Be more aggressive, kid; don’t let people crowd you; assert your place in line.” But was that really the advice I wanted to give to my sweet young boy? And though I didn’t think this exact thought until much later in life, this world most definitely does not need us to tell our boys, our white boys no less, to be more aggressive & assertive. So I decided to tone it down and let him know it that while it was very kind to let others go, it was definitely okay to take his place in line. And also, hurry up when mom is waiting.

Some may say that my son needed to learn to look out for himself. At its most charitable looking out for yourself, or taking personal responsibility, sounds quite reasonable and even laudable. But if you take that idea to the other extreme, looking out for our own self interests devolves into the idea that our own self is the only one worth looking out for. This leads to a kind of scarcity mentality, the very visceral fear that life is a zero-sum game – if others gain then I lose. I like to think I’ve matured past this way of thinking, but I saw this attitude rear its ugly head a couple of weeks ago during a family vacation to Disneyland. My general desire to show love & kindness to others completely vanished as soon as every other human in the park decided to walk without purpose right in front of me while pushing enormous strollers. I snidely side-eyed anyone who joined their friends in line ahead of me and grumbled loudly about the two people who sat down at the only open 4-seat table. And while admittedly I need to work on my amusement park patience, a much bigger issue is the millions of us who are living our whole regular, non-amusement park lives elbowing out others and spending our days in fear of their success.

I see this scarcity mentality as being very connected to racial disharmony. Many of my fellow white Americans fear that any gains made by people of color translate to direct losses for us. We read that the United States will become a white-minority nation in our lifetimes and for some, that strikes fear. Sadly I remember sharing those feelings as a younger person, bristling over affirmative action and the push for diversity. I had no idea of the lengths our country has gone to ensure that those deemed white come out ahead in every possible arena. I didn’t recognize how un-level the playing field actually was. In more recent years I have repented of my lack of compassion and willful ignorance, and I hope I can lead others come to this same realization.

If we really desire to make this country a great place we should seek the betterment of all its inhabitants, the success of all those who call America home. (And if you know me, you know that my concern spreads far beyond the borders of America. The poorest most disenfranchised person in this country still has more than the poorest of the world.) I don’t believe in the mentality of scarcity, I think there is room for many people to succeed and thrive, but even if it is does cost me something in order to ensure that another person has an opportunity I’m okay with that. The old adage that whoever dies with the most toys wins is garbage. Whoever dies with the most toys is dead and has no use for toys. This kind of blind greed is at the root of all the world’s problems. A diversity of opinions, backgrounds, traditions, ideas, and inspirations can make our country stronger if we’re willing to listen and learn from each other. Recognize and challenge the voices who want to divide (us vs them) or cause us to fear what is different. Let’s agree to stop living with a mentality of scarcity. I am all in, unless we’re getting in line for a roller coaster. Then apparently I still have some work to do.